Life in the UK Part 1

Living in the UK, has taught me 1 great thing in life. And that is NOT to be dependent on an amah.

I often said to my husband, I admire the British mommies (well at least those moms who send their children to the same school as our children's). They would drive to the school (for some - they even walk), sending and picking up their children, often with another (and sometimes 2!) small baby in arms. Every morning and afternoon, they would park their car, get a baby trolley out of the car, get a baby out of the car, and walk into the school to get their children. And each of their children that goes to school, has a packed lunch.I mean, that is what I call 'bekarih!'. I tell you, it is not easy!

In Brunei, the thought of not having an amah is almost 'unthinkable'. The parents seem to avoid the 'stressfulness' of being parents. Nobody wants to hear their children crying, wailing, arguing. When a child cries, give to 'bibi'. When a child wants something, get from 'bibi'. When a child does something wrong, blame 'bibi'!

I remember when we first told our friends and families, our decision not to bring an amah. Everyone was giving us the 'look'. You know the look that says 'Are you sure? Can you cope? Hooowww??'. Even today, everyone we met in Brunei was asking how we could have survived, studying and raising 2 kids, without the help of an amah.I must say, at the beginning I was quite worried myself. I wasn't so sure how I could cope, being a full time mommy and at the same time doing my research, which demands a lot of time and effort.

Well the secret is job-sharing, or the economics term for it is 'division of labour'. We share, my husband and I, the house work; I cook and do laundry, while the hubby does the dish-washing and vacuuming. We take turn doing our kids' homework and reading them to sleep. As a result we get to spend a lot of time with each other. We both know what our children 'likes' and 'dislikes'. We get to watch what they eat, play, programmes they watch on tv etc. And as for the children, they get to become more independent. For example, my 4-year old makes up her own bed every morning (and really neat! you wouldn't expect it's the doing of a 4-year old!), my 5-year old helps her sister wear her clothes, teaches her to read; and both of them take their plates and cups to the kitchen (which made everyone in Brunei cried in delight when they saw what they did hehe). As for our relationship (the hubby and I), we get to communicate better. We solve any problem together and we respect each other even more.

Sadly, I think this doesn't happen to many families (that I know of) in Brunei. In the morning, mom and dad go to work. Often separately. A driver will send the children to (and from) school. Mum and dad don't go back home for lunch (they also lunch separately). Mum and dad come back home in the evening, exhausted. Children go to tuition schools. Children come home, exhausted. Children sleep. Mom and dad sleep. I have seen parents who only want to spend time with their children after their children are fed, bathed and happy. I have also seen parents who think that the main role of parenting is spoiling their children with money and toys. And worse, I also see parents who spend 10% or maybe even less, of their waking hours with their children.

For most parents in Brunei, their amahs know better about their children then they do. And as a result the parents-children relation become distant. Often, when something is wrong, parents would blame their amahs, expecting them to do a fantastic job of two parents with a mere salary of $250 a month. On the other hand, the high dependence on amah, has made many employers turn blind eyes to their amah's wrong-doings. The thought of their 'beloved' amah who runs the whole family, going home, is crazy. Somehow, people can't or don't want to function normally without an amah. Amah going for their contract leave IS a big deal for many people. It disrupts life and can also affect the running of an entire work organisation, where people take 'emergency' leaves.

I don't know about you but this type of 'chronic' dependence on an amah, to me, not only can it affect the economy but it can also lead to social problem. Family value is lost, communication breaks down and people become lazy (just look at our youths!).

Surely there must be something that the government can do to remedy the situation. Maybe flexibility in terms of working hours can be introduced. Day-care centres perhaps can be provided in work-places. If other countries can run smoothly without their people needing and depending of an amah, WHY CAN't we? Now, I'm not suggesting that we should ban amah (that would certainly have a catastrophic effect on the lives of Brunei people and could also have a political effect as well!), but some measures should be introduced.

Well, maybe I'm being too paranoid. Maybe I'm too wrapped-up in my own world that I don't think normally, the way Bruneians think. But I would love to hire day cleaners to clean my house and babysitters to look after my children when I go out. Hey, we could create jobs!

Anyway, the point is I don't think I need a stranger to live 24/7 in my house. This is MY family. And what can be more important than one's own family?

Salaam.

Addendum 20 Nov 07:

To be fair, I am not against people having amahs and neither do I think all amahs are bad. There were many times how I wished I had one, to help me around especially during hectic times. But please don't be TOO dependent on one. A line should be drawn between someone who is helping with the house-chores (them) and someone who is running the family (you, mom and dad). Salaam..