Our Story

My mother passed away when I was 16. I was lost but I grew up then and there. I have 2 younger sisters, at that time they were 14 and 10. I didn't know what I should do. While my friends my age were playing beauty and experiencing teenagehood, I experienced life. We were never spolit. After my mother passed away, my father was the sole bread-winner. We made do with what we had but never asked for more. And that has always been my principle in life.I never regret any of those things. Infact, I'm thankful because it taught me one great thing in life. To be Independent.

People said I was lucky because I had 'the brain'. I always came top in my class, from my kindergarten year until I graduated. Was it luck? No, it was hard work. When my mother passed away, I studied extra hard. I promised myself, one day I would provide my children what my parents could not provide us. That was my motivation.

I met my husband in the UK. He's not from a wealthy family. When we graduated in 1998, Brunei economy was badly hit by the Amedeo collapse. Employment was scarce. Again people said I was lucky because I found a job even before I graduated. I don't think it was luck. I worked for it. Having a First Class Honours certainly had the advantage. Offer of jobs came knocking on my door. To this day, I'm thankful.

But my husband, along with a thousand other graduates, were stuck. There was no employment. My huband managed to find employment in one of a private firm. But after a few months, the firm went down and had to cut its cost. One of the redundants was my husband. He waited for new jobs openings. An offer for a teacher's post in one of a government institution came. But he turned it down. Not because he was choosy. But because he was not trained to be a teacher and he said he did not deserve it.

Then one day, he said God gave me a well-functioned brain and 2 arms. Why should I wait for a job, when I CAN do a job. He decided he wanted to do a free-lance service. At that time, no body supported him. People thought it a better idea for him to just wait for a job. So, he asked for my help. I lent him some money to buy a computer and a printer.

Alhamdulillah, a family of a family heard he was doing some free lance work for a small fee. He asked my husband to give him some proposals for a house project. He loved it and my husband got his first client. Others heard. And a few came knocking on my husband's door.

After about a year in my new job, I was asked to further my study. We wanted to get married but we didn't have the finance. My husband obviously could not take up any personal loan. I went to do my Masters, my husband's business took off. After 3 months leaving Brunei, my husband called me and told me the good news. He made a tidy sum of money for us to get married when I finished my study. We got engaged while I was in the UK (i.e. I was not present when his family came). I worked hard on my Masters. First, I wanted to finish as early as I could and at the same time I was also preparing for my wedding. I had no one to depend on to. My sisters were still young and I didn't want to burden my father. So, in between studies, I planned my wedding.

I came back, earlier then the date my course actually end. We got married 4 weeks later. A year and a half later, we had our first girl. It was joy! When she was four months old, I was promoted. Luck? No. I worked hard in what I did. While many of my colleagues turned down some of the 'difficult' assignments, I came forward. I never see it that way though, I always say it was 'rezki Allah Taala'. A gift to my baby.

A year and a half later, our second girl arrived. Another gift from God. When she was 6 months old, I was offered to further my study. I wanted to turn down. I didn't want it. I wanted to spend time with my babies. But it also made me realized that probably 'the further study' actually came along with the promotion that I received so early in life. So, that became my responsibility.

I couldn't afford to bring my family along. My husband tried to get a scholarship to further his study. But NO. He was too old for it. I went mad thinking of leaving my 2babies. But my husband was my strength. He was very supportive. Never once he said No or asked me to think about it. He told me Fi Sabilillah. God has given me 'the brain' it would be selfish of me not to make use of it and in time will help to develop the country. Don't worry about OUR children, he will take care of them. And this is why I declare him the MOST UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND in the whole wide world :)

I came to England. Alone. It was crazy. A young mother being apart from 2 young adorable babies. The guilt I felt consumed me. I couldn't work properly. I broke down several times. I broke down in front of my supervisor when he said 'family is the most important thing in life' and asked me to be stong. I was thankful for his kind understanding. He didn't pressure me during my first year and helped me in whatever he could.

But life was shit for me. I asked one of my bosses as to the consequences of me quitting my study. He told me it would give a bad impression on me and on the department. To console myself, I prayed for God's strength. I prayed for His help. And thought if God brings you to it, surely God brings you through it.

My prayer was answered. My husband's business took off really well. He expanded. And managed to save quite a sum of money. The intention was for him to come to the UK and further his qualification. At the same time, there was an opportunity to buy a piece of land. Again the dilemma. In the end, we bought the land from the saving and there was some left for his study. However, it was not enough to finance a 2 year course in the UK. I came back and went to the bank. I took up a loan to partly finance my husband's study. We agreed that the loan was for a 'life investment'.

Then God even answered my prayer, the Government reviewed the terms for the In Service Traning Scheme. It was such relief! I thank whoever it was doing the review. With the extra money, I could provide a nice home for my children and could even futher helped my husband. (I thank the government for providing me and indirectly, my husband to further our education - the new scheme really managed to kill 2 birds with 1 stone). Had I known the scheme would be reviewed, I wouldn't take the loan. But we didn't have the time to retun the money back. It has now become our 'emergency fund'.

We sold our cars. We sold some of our furniture (we didn't have many anyway, our landlord was SUPERB). We returned the amah. I talked about this in my previous post. Our decision not to bring an amah. Well, because we couldn't afford it. Bringing 1 would mean we would need an extra room. The rent here in the UK is crazy. Besides, the house here is not that big. It's manageable. And the children go to school and are only home in the evenings. I can cook (edible lah hehe) and my husband and I share the housework.

Before coming to England, financially we're OK. Besides the loan I took for the financing, we are debt-free. Not even a credit card loan. We have a few credit cards which we used solely for travelling. We ALWAYS pay what we owe once we're back (And to this day, I don't understand why my bank raises my limit every year! I hardly use it hehe). My husband's companies are also DEBT-FREE. A good Chinese friend told him 'If You Can, Avoid Hutang. Never Hutang'. In fact, MANY companies and individuals owe my husband.

I save 30% (besides TAP) of my salary for the rainy days, for the children's education and for our retirements. I still think it is not enough. I hyperventillate thinking about our future. We share our daily expenses; the bills, the grocery etc. We always live within our means. That's our principle. At times, of course we wanted to treat ourselves. But only if we have the extra money. If not, it's not the end of the world. We don't have a Mercedes or a BMW not even a Tag Heuer let alone a Rolex. Our priority in our shared life has always been the children's education. We know for the fact that we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves to provide good education. We never know what the future will bring us. If our children are bleesed with intelligence and good brains, Insya allah maybe some financial help would come. But until then we will never know and have to prepare ourselves.

Our next priority is to build a house. I know we will need some financial help on this one. But my husband says, "If We can, we don't have to". Insya Allah, I believe him. Niat, Usaha and Tawakkal. But even if we have to, we know our limit.

The reason I'm writing this and telling you our boring life story is because I want to share our principles in life. NEVER live beyond your means. NEVER depend on Others. And there is NO such thing as LUCK. A little help along the way are God's blessings but NEVER Expect More.

I don't mean to say that these principles are the best and for you to follow. I don't even think we are a very good example. I would LOVE to hear more advise on how to have a better life and a secure a better future.

Salaam.

Aren't We a Flashing Nation?

It was quite amusing to find the news in Brudirect today. The first main news was about the raid in the hotel, the second was about religious school adopting a system of something, the third was about another irresponsible Bruneian and look! the fourth main news was the announcement of the open tender for 2-digit license plate..Wow! LOL

This, to me just shows how 'flashing' the Bruneians are. The shorter and the smaller your car plate numbers, the more 'VIP' you are. So, people (hoping to be VIPs) are willing to pay loads just to get their so called 'favourite or lucky' numbers. Baah!

I'm actually quite sad that this is the lifestyle adopted by a great number of Bruneians. Big (and expensive) flashy cars. The latest mobile phones. The last time they played golf (which would always be the last weekend). The biggest flat screen tvs. The most beads (manik) on the baju kurung (haha). And the list goes on. It is like people seem to think that they are judged by what they use or wear. (Maybe some people do actually judge by those criteria. What a pity!).

To tell you the truth, it is really quite uncomfortable to be around these types of people (who are almost everywhere in Brunei). Especially if your mobile phone is about 2 years old, you wear just a baju kurung, your car is just another Toyota and you don't play golf!. At the same time however it is also very irritating when all they talk about are the latest mobile phones or their handicap (what?! handicap?! are they 'special' or something?) or the latest car they just bought. Wow! The world must be perfect for these people despite the fact that their latest credit card bills would probably be almost reaching the limit, the headmasters of their children's schools are scratching their heads waiting for the school fee payments (which I can tell you LOADS!) and their disposable income is probably less than 30% of their gross income. Worse, there is no saving for their children's future!

And sadly, it is not only me who is pitying our fellow Bruneians, the foreigners too. When we went back to Brunei sometime last year, we (my hubby and I) decided that it was time to replace our ageing mobile phones (the girl gave me a sly smile when I asked if I could use 3G with that phone. Haha THAT old!). So while the Filipino lady was preparing our phones I asked her how many people buy phones each day. And she said 'quite many'. And I asked her, 'paid by cash or using one of those installments offered by the banks i.e. hutang lah?'. And she gave me this smile (that translates 'are you kidding? cash?). And I asked how many? She said 'quite many'. Then she said she didn't understand why people wanted to put themselves into debt just for a mobile phone. I said, don't let your boss hear you saying that..hahaha.

A couple of times, I must admit my husband and I were thinking of buying one of those luxurious cars. Why not? We can afford it, can't we?

Well..after 1 night sleep we scratched off that thought. Why? First, a car is NOT an asset, it is a LIABILITY..the first 2 years of driving..wow..fantastic...but then...after that...I'm sure many of you would love to share the cost of maintaining such cars. Second, we haven't got a house of our own. Until we do..then we say FORGET it!. Finally, there's our children's education funds. If our children are brilliant then, perhaps some scholarships would be granted. But you never know what will happen in the future.

I'm actually quite worried that this kind of 'rich and flashy' lifestyle is adopted not only by the middle-income earners but also the lower-income earners. The desire to have luxurious items is probably the main culprit why many Bruneians have become 'poor'. If you were to measure the level of poverty based on the disposable income, I am sure it will be staggering. How to amend this? A simple answer from an economist would probably through the good old tax. But I'm sure nobody wants that (and I am also risking my neck suggesting it hahaha!). But I think some kind of awareness campaign against debt should be introduced where the message has to be strong and the campaign done rigorously.

Oh well..it's a beautiful Sunday morning here in England and we need to do some grocery shopping. My only hope (more of a wishful thinking) is that Bruneians will change. I'd honestly hate to come back to the same 'flashy' nation.

Salaam.

Life in the UK Part 1

Living in the UK, has taught me 1 great thing in life. And that is NOT to be dependent on an amah.

I often said to my husband, I admire the British mommies (well at least those moms who send their children to the same school as our children's). They would drive to the school (for some - they even walk), sending and picking up their children, often with another (and sometimes 2!) small baby in arms. Every morning and afternoon, they would park their car, get a baby trolley out of the car, get a baby out of the car, and walk into the school to get their children. And each of their children that goes to school, has a packed lunch.I mean, that is what I call 'bekarih!'. I tell you, it is not easy!

In Brunei, the thought of not having an amah is almost 'unthinkable'. The parents seem to avoid the 'stressfulness' of being parents. Nobody wants to hear their children crying, wailing, arguing. When a child cries, give to 'bibi'. When a child wants something, get from 'bibi'. When a child does something wrong, blame 'bibi'!

I remember when we first told our friends and families, our decision not to bring an amah. Everyone was giving us the 'look'. You know the look that says 'Are you sure? Can you cope? Hooowww??'. Even today, everyone we met in Brunei was asking how we could have survived, studying and raising 2 kids, without the help of an amah.I must say, at the beginning I was quite worried myself. I wasn't so sure how I could cope, being a full time mommy and at the same time doing my research, which demands a lot of time and effort.

Well the secret is job-sharing, or the economics term for it is 'division of labour'. We share, my husband and I, the house work; I cook and do laundry, while the hubby does the dish-washing and vacuuming. We take turn doing our kids' homework and reading them to sleep. As a result we get to spend a lot of time with each other. We both know what our children 'likes' and 'dislikes'. We get to watch what they eat, play, programmes they watch on tv etc. And as for the children, they get to become more independent. For example, my 4-year old makes up her own bed every morning (and really neat! you wouldn't expect it's the doing of a 4-year old!), my 5-year old helps her sister wear her clothes, teaches her to read; and both of them take their plates and cups to the kitchen (which made everyone in Brunei cried in delight when they saw what they did hehe). As for our relationship (the hubby and I), we get to communicate better. We solve any problem together and we respect each other even more.

Sadly, I think this doesn't happen to many families (that I know of) in Brunei. In the morning, mom and dad go to work. Often separately. A driver will send the children to (and from) school. Mum and dad don't go back home for lunch (they also lunch separately). Mum and dad come back home in the evening, exhausted. Children go to tuition schools. Children come home, exhausted. Children sleep. Mom and dad sleep. I have seen parents who only want to spend time with their children after their children are fed, bathed and happy. I have also seen parents who think that the main role of parenting is spoiling their children with money and toys. And worse, I also see parents who spend 10% or maybe even less, of their waking hours with their children.

For most parents in Brunei, their amahs know better about their children then they do. And as a result the parents-children relation become distant. Often, when something is wrong, parents would blame their amahs, expecting them to do a fantastic job of two parents with a mere salary of $250 a month. On the other hand, the high dependence on amah, has made many employers turn blind eyes to their amah's wrong-doings. The thought of their 'beloved' amah who runs the whole family, going home, is crazy. Somehow, people can't or don't want to function normally without an amah. Amah going for their contract leave IS a big deal for many people. It disrupts life and can also affect the running of an entire work organisation, where people take 'emergency' leaves.

I don't know about you but this type of 'chronic' dependence on an amah, to me, not only can it affect the economy but it can also lead to social problem. Family value is lost, communication breaks down and people become lazy (just look at our youths!).

Surely there must be something that the government can do to remedy the situation. Maybe flexibility in terms of working hours can be introduced. Day-care centres perhaps can be provided in work-places. If other countries can run smoothly without their people needing and depending of an amah, WHY CAN't we? Now, I'm not suggesting that we should ban amah (that would certainly have a catastrophic effect on the lives of Brunei people and could also have a political effect as well!), but some measures should be introduced.

Well, maybe I'm being too paranoid. Maybe I'm too wrapped-up in my own world that I don't think normally, the way Bruneians think. But I would love to hire day cleaners to clean my house and babysitters to look after my children when I go out. Hey, we could create jobs!

Anyway, the point is I don't think I need a stranger to live 24/7 in my house. This is MY family. And what can be more important than one's own family?

Salaam.

Addendum 20 Nov 07:

To be fair, I am not against people having amahs and neither do I think all amahs are bad. There were many times how I wished I had one, to help me around especially during hectic times. But please don't be TOO dependent on one. A line should be drawn between someone who is helping with the house-chores (them) and someone who is running the family (you, mom and dad). Salaam..